Do you know who I am? .....

So I went to dinner with an old friend tonight and we were reflecting on all of the interesting people I have met through my work over the past 10 years of working in hospitality….yes, 10 years, can you believe it?

First, my favorite encounter, Gene Simmons. Not only did the infamous Gene wiggle his even more infamous tongue at me, he groped me numerous times in the short walk to his room and dry humped a stripper in the elevator on our way up. Later that evening there was an orgy of about 9 people in his room….and no, I was not there.

Al Sharpton had the audacity to look me in the eye and say “do you know who I am?” when I would not release keys to him for a room prior to obtaining full payment for the said accommodations. I wanted to say, “Yes, I am well aware that you have failed to pay over $10,000 in previous bills from this hotel and you owe in excess of $50,000 to other hotels within the company I work for. I think you are a conniving SOB and I cannot believe we are even allowing you to step foot in the building.” However, I chose to answer with a simple, “yes”.

John Travolta is not permitted to have male massage therapists. Enough said.

Michael Jackson. I don’t even know where to begin. I am lost in the memories of the Jolly Green Giant statue he keeps with him, the midnight rides on his scooter through the hotel hallways, the gaggle of young men he keeps in his entourage, the skin bleaching injections, and the plethora of gay-parenting books he keeps in his library.

Okay, I am dating myself here, but Chris O’Donnell during his Batman era. He was one of my number one celebrity crushes at the time and somehow our conversation went a little awry as he was speaking of how the steam-jets in his shower were so great after such a long night of drinking…it took just about everything out of me not to say, “yes, Chris, I am picturing that shower right now”.

Meeting Oprah was like meeting the Dalai Lama (I’ve met him too, but I was not nearly as impressed). Despite her reputation she is kind and personable, and I am still convinced I will become her new best friend. We share the same birthday…it’s just meant to be.

I have offended some of our parents’ favorite musical talents because I had no clue who they were. I still think Elvis Costello wanted to have my head after I made him repeat his name four times; I later upset him again when I asked which arena he would be performing in….he corrected me by saying he can no longer fill an arena and he’d be performing at a venue that seats about 500. Oops. Michael Stipes and the rest of REM - again, no clue. Same goes for Paul Anka and Fleetwood Mac (I have since redeemed myself with Stevie Nicks and Mick Fleetwood though).

LOVE Aerosmith. They invited me to their show and I had some of the best seats in the house (I even saw Steven Tyler’s daughter get married on stage). They are the funniest guys and still insist on wearing Speedos by the pool and line up for the Quarter slots….if I only had my camera.

I will end this little trip down memory lane with a quick blurb about our good friend Madonna. I thought I had seen it all as far as exorbitant spending goes, but the Material Girl is really just that. A suite was transformed into a Yoga studio (including the installation of hardwood floors), Kabbalah water flown in, all toilet seats had to be replaced with new ones, and the kitchen was stocked with a laundry list of various foods; this was really just the tip of the iceberg as far as her rider goes. Ask me how long this visit lasted….less than 10 hours. How much did it cost her….$15,000+.